The “I Am Too Much” Spiral
- April Goff
- Sep 11, 2025
- 3 min read
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I’m too emotional. Too needy. Too much for anyone to love,” you’re not alone. So many trauma survivors and people with BPD get caught in this spiral. (And yes, others feel it too. This just happens to be my perspective as someone with BPD.)
The “too much” spiral often creeps in after a bad day, a moment of vulnerability, or even just a small conflict. Suddenly, your brain whispers that your existence is overwhelming, that your needs are a burden, that love comes with conditions you can’t possibly meet.
Here’s the truth: feeling “too much” is usually a sign you’re overwhelmed, not unlovable.
Why the “Too Much” Spiral Happens
This feeling doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s your nervous system sounding an alarm.
Old wounds get loud. If you grew up with criticism, neglect, or emotional invalidation, your brain learned to see having needs as dangerous or annoying to others.
Shame kicks in fast. Your inner critic loves to tell you that having feelings makes you broken or difficult.
Fear of abandonment takes over. When you fear rejection, it’s easy to believe you need to shrink yourself to keep love.
None of this makes you weak. It means your body and brain are remembering old pain and trying to protect you. It's just not in a way that helps.
How to Climb Out of the Spiral
When the “I’m too much” thoughts start to take over, try approaching them with curiosity instead of judgment.
Name the Spiral: Pause and say: “I’m in the ‘too much’ spiral right now.” Naming it is the first step to taking back control.
Ground Yourself in Reality: Ask yourself:
Has anyone actually said I’m too much today?
Or is this my brain recycling old pain?
Use Self-Neutrality Before Self-Love: Jumping to “I’m amazing!” can feel fake at first. Try neutrality: “I’m having feelings. Feelings are allowed. This will pass.”
Connect Instead of Isolate: If you can, reach out to someone safe:
Text a friend
Snuggle a pet
Post in a supportive online space (Seeking connection isn’t weakness. It’s a human need.)
Set Micro-Boundaries With Yourself: Sometimes spirals hit harder when we’re already past our limit. Give yourself permission to rest, log off, or say no. Needing a break doesn’t make you “too much.” It makes you human.
Reframe Relationships: The right people don’t want less of you. They want the real you, emotions and all. Shrinking yourself to keep love doesn’t create safety; it creates exhaustion. Letting yourself be seen can actually deepen connection.
Offer Yourself Compassion: If your best friend said, “I’m too much,” would you agree with them or would you remind them of their worth? Try to speak to yourself with that same gentleness.
Ground Through the Body: If the spiral feels trapped in your body, press your feet into the floor, hold something solid or soft, or take a few slow breaths. Remind your nervous system: I’m safe right now. This is old pain, not current danger.
Remember Your Growth: Every time you notice the spiral instead of getting lost in it, that’s progress. Awareness itself is a sign you’re healing, even if it feels messy.
You are not “too much.” You are someone with emotions, needs, and a nervous system doing its best to heal.
When the spiral hits, remind yourself: being human is not a flaw, and you don’t have to shrink to deserve love.
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