Learning to Sit with Your Feelings When Someone Else Needs Space

When someone you love is upset, whether with you or about something else, it can feel almost unbearable to sit in that tension. The instinct is to rush in, fix it, and make everything feel better right away.

But sometimes, what they really need is space. And what you need is patience.

For trauma survivors and people with BPD, this can feel impossible. Distance can trigger fears of abandonment or rejection, and silence can feel like a threat. The urge to repair immediately often comes from love and fear at the same time: “If I don’t fix this right now, I’ll lose them.”

Why It’s So Hard

• Conflict feels dangerous. If you grew up around instability or rejection, your nervous system might see any distance as a sign of loss.

• Fear of being in trouble. For many survivors, someone being upset can trigger fear of punishment, retaliation, or emotional withdrawal.

• Old patterns return even in safe relationships. Even if the person you’re with is not abusive, conflict can still stir up old survival instincts. Your body may respond as though displeasure means danger, because that’s what it used to mean.

• Fixing feels safer. Trying to solve things instantly can feel like regaining control.

• Waiting feels like doing nothing. But in truth, waiting is a skill and a sign of trust.

Why Space Matters

Giving someone space doesn’t mean ignoring them. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you trust them enough to let them regulate their own emotions.

When you push for resolution too quickly, it can overwhelm the other person and make things worse. When you give them space, you create room for both of you to calm down and come back together more grounded.

How to Sit with Your Feelings

Learning to wait without panicking is difficult but it’s possible. Some things that can help:

• Ground yourself. Remind yourself: “This pause doesn’t mean the relationship is over.”

• Self-talk. Try repeating: “I can survive this feeling. I can give them the time they need.”

• Distraction. Do something soothing, engaging, or creative to keep your mind from spiraling.

• Validation. Your discomfort is real. Waiting is hard. But you don’t need to escape it by forcing a fix.

Sitting with your feelings while someone else takes space is not abandoning them. It is respecting them. It’s showing them you don’t need instant reassurance to care, and it’s showing yourself that you can survive those scary moments without collapsing.

Every time you practice this, you build trust in yourself, in your ability to regulate, and in the resilience of your relationships.

You don’t need to fix everything the moment it feels broken.

Sometimes the bravest and kindest thing you can do is sit with your own discomfort, let them have the space they need, and trust that the connection can hold through the pause.