You’re Allowed to Be Hurt, Even if They Didn’t Mean It

Sometimes the hardest part of processing trauma is that your abuser didn’t mean to hurt you. Maybe they were struggling with their own pain. Maybe they were mentally ill or overwhelmed. Maybe they didn’t know better because no one ever treated them with kindness either.

And yet you still got hurt.

Many survivors wrestle with this guilt. We tell ourselves things like:

• “I shouldn’t be upset. They didn’t know any better.”

• “They were trying their best. I feel awful for being angry.”

• “Other people had it worse. Maybe I’m just being dramatic.”

But here’s the truth: you are allowed to feel hurt, even if they didn’t mean it. It still impacted you, and their intent doesn't change that.

Intent is what someone meant to do. Impact is what actually happened.

Someone can step on your foot completely by accident and your foot still hurts. You don’t stop limping just because they say, “I didn’t mean to!”

Trauma works the same way. Your body and mind respond to harm, even if it was unintentional. Pain is real, whether it was caused on purpose or not.

There are so many reasons why someone might harm you without intending to:

• They were abused themselves and never learned healthy ways to cope.

• They were mentally ill or emotionally unstable and lashed out without awareness.

• They genuinely didn’t understand how damaging their words or actions were.

Understanding why someone hurt you might bring clarity but it doesn’t erase the harm. Your nervous system doesn’t file a “no big deal” report just because someone was struggling. Your trauma is about the impact, not their excuses or explanations.

Even if they didn’t mean to hurt you, you’re allowed to:

• Feel hurt, angry, or betrayed.

• Grieve the pain you went through.

• Protect yourself with boundaries or even cut contact if that’s what you need.

Having compassion for someone else does not require abandoning yourself. You can acknowledge their struggles and honour your own pain at the same time. Both can be true.

Your feelings are real. Your pain is valid. Healing begins when you allow yourself to recognize that truth, without trying to shrink it or explain it away.

You do not have to forgive quickly. You do not have to stay close to someone who hurt you. And you absolutely do not have to pretend it didn’t matter just because they didn’t mean to.

Protecting your peace is not cruel. It is self-respect.

You are allowed to feel hurt, even if they didn’t mean it. Your healing matters. Your safety matters. And you are allowed to choose yourself.