The Weight of Self-Blame

Self-blame is one of the heaviest burdens survivors carry. It creeps in quietly with whispers like:

• “I should have known better.”

• “It’s my fault for staying.”

• “If I had just done something different, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.”

These thoughts don’t make you weak. They’re the brain’s way of trying to make sense of what happened. But that doesn’t make them true.

Why We Blame Ourselves

• Blame feels like control. If you believe it was your fault, then maybe you could have stopped it. That illusion of control can feel safer than facing the truth which is that you were powerless in that moment.

• The world teaches survivors to blame themselves. Victim-blaming messages are everywhere: “Why didn’t you leave?” “Why didn’t you fight harder?” Society often makes survivors feel complicit in their own pain.

• The brain craves order. Trauma is chaotic and overwhelming. Blaming yourself creates a story, however painful, that makes the chaos feel more explainable.

The Cost of Carrying Blame

But self-blame doesn’t actually protect you. It only weighs you down.

• It keeps you stuck in the past, replaying moments you can’t change.

• It steals compassion from yourself and replaces it with punishment.

• It denies the truth: you were harmed by someone else’s choices, not your own.

Blame might feel like control, but it’s really just another chain tying you to the hurt.

Letting Go of What Isn’t Yours

You didn’t deserve what happened. You didn’t ask for it. And you don’t have to keep carrying someone else’s responsibility.

Remember:

• You are not responsible for someone else’s abuse.

• You are not to blame for surviving in the only ways you knew how.

• You do not deserve to carry the shame that belongs to them.

Self-blame is heavy. But it isn’t yours to carry forever. It's okay to set it down.

Disclaimer: This page is for informational and peer-support purposes only. I am not a medical or mental health professional. Please only do the activities that feel safe for you, and skip anything that doesn’t. Everyone’s healing is different.