DBT Skills: DEAR MAN

The DEAR MAN skill is part of Interpersonal Effectiveness in DBT. Its goal is to help you communicate your needs or wants in a way that is clear, respectful, and more likely to get a positive outcome.

The Steps of DEAR MAN

D – Describe

State the facts of the situation without judgement, assumptions, or accusations.

Example: “I’ve noticed that you have been eating my food out of the fridge.”

E – Express

Share how the situation makes you feel. Don’t assume the other person already knows.

Example: “I find it frustrating because sometimes when I get home, I go to look for something I’ve been looking forward to, but it’s gone.”

A – Assert

Clearly ask for what you want or need.

Example: “Please don’t eat my food.”

R – Reinforce

Explain the positive outcomes if your request is respected.

Example: “It will be less stressful for both of us to live here together if I can feel comfortable and not have to hide my food.”

M – Mindful

Stay focused on your goal. Don’t let distractions, attacks, or defensiveness pull you off track.If the conversation drifts, validate briefly and bring it back to the point.

A – Appear Confident

Even if you’re nervous, act confident. Speak calmly, clearly, and without apologizing for your needs.

N – Negotiate

Listen to the other person and look for mutually acceptable solutions. Negotiating does not mean giving up your boundaries. It means staying open to problem-solving.

Example: Maybe after a calm conversation, your roommate agrees to sign up for a food delivery service, or you help them find a food bank. Together, you come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Why DEAR MAN Works

DEAR MAN gives you a step-by-step structure that keeps the conversation respectful and goal-focused. It reduces the chance of escalation and increases the chance that your needs will be met.

Final Note

DEAR MAN takes practice. It may feel awkward at first, but with time, it can make hard conversations much easier. Try it for small situations first, then move on to bigger ones.

Looking for more DBT skills and tools? Visit our Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Skills page to explore the full set of techniques and learn how to strengthen your communication.