When Reassurance Feels Good… Then Bad

Reassurance can be addictive.

You may feel the panic rising and your chest is tight, your brain is spiraling with what ifs. Then someone says the magic words: “I’m not upset.” “I still care about you.” “It’s okay.”

And just like that, your nervous system exhales. Relief washes in.

…Until it doesn’t.

Because sometimes, a few minutes (or hours) later, that relief gets tangled up with something else: Guilt. Shame. Doubt. A quiet voice saying, I shouldn’t need this… I’m too much.

The Reassurance Loop

Here’s the cycle I’ve seen in myself, and in a lot of other trauma survivors and people with BPD:

1. Anxiety spikes.

2. You reach for reassurance.

3. The relief is instant but temporary.

4. Shame creeps in.

5. The anxiety starts to rebuild.

You can get stuck in that loop for hours if you’re not careful. And the worst part? Every round leaves you feeling worse about yourself.

Why Reassurance Can Leave You Feeling Empty

• It’s quick relief, not deep safety. Reassurance calms the surface anxiety, but it doesn’t heal the fear underneath.

• Shame sneaks in after. If you’ve been told you’re “too needy,” “clingy,” or “dramatic,” asking for reassurance can trigger old guilt.

• The brain starts chasing more. When the calm fades, your brain wants another hit of reassurance which can make the loop even harder to break.

How I Learned to Break the Cycle

• Pause Before Asking: I started asking myself: “What am I really afraid of? What am I hoping they’ll say?” That pause gives me just enough space to choose what I do next.

• Pair External with Internal Comfort: I still ask for reassurance sometimes. But I follow it with something grounding like breathing, self-talk, or journaling so it lasts longer.

• Talk About the Loop: Letting my partner know “I’m in a reassurance spiral” takes some of the shame out of it. It turns the cycle into something we can navigate together.

  
  

A Gentle Truth

Reassurance isn’t bad. Needing it doesn’t make you weak.

It only becomes a trap when we believe it’s the only way to feel safe. Balancing reassurance with self-compassion and internal coping skills is what breaks the loop.

You’re not too much. You’re just learning new ways to feel secure.

Disclaimer: This blog post is for peer support and education. It is not a substitute for therapy or professional mental health care.