Healing Isn’t Fair and That’s Okay to Admit

People love to say things like “Life isn’t fair” or “You just have to play the hand you’re dealt.”

Maybe they mean it as advice, or as a way to cope. But if you’ve lived through trauma, pain, or loss, that phrase can feel hollow. It can feel like someone is asking you to swallow your grief and get over it. Like, “Too bad. Suck it up, buttercup.” It’s meant to be comforting, but it often feels dismissive.

And while yes, we do have to work with the hand we’ve been dealt, that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge that it’s unfair.

Because the truth is, healing isn’t fair. And it’s okay to say that out loud.

You didn’t ask to be hurt. You aren’t to blame for the things other people did. They left scars, whether they’re visible or not. Yet here you are, the one who has to do the hard work of healing. You’re the one untangling complicated feelings, processing memories you never wanted, and learning how to trust again. Maybe even learning how to trust yourself.

It’s exhausting. And sometimes it feels unfair because it is. Someone else caused the harm, and now you’re the one who has to pick up the pieces.

You are allowed to feel that it’s unfair. Many of us try to shove the unfairness down. We tell ourselves, “It could have been worse” or “I should just get over it.” But ignoring the grief doesn’t make it go away. It just waits in the corners, leaking out as shame, anger, or fear.

Acknowledging the hurt isn’t self-pity. It’s honesty. (And honestly, a little self-pity is okay, as long as you don’t get stuck there.) You are allowed to sit in that space and say, “This isn’t fair.” You’re allowed to grieve the time, safety, or innocence that was taken from you. You’re allowed to admit that you deserved better all along.

Letting yourself feel the unfairness can sting, but it matters. Because the next part, the part that is hard but empowering, is this:

It isn’t fair that you have to heal. But you still deserve the peace that healing can bring.

Healing isn’t about excusing what happened or forgetting your pain. It’s about choosing yourself. It’s about slowly building a life that feels like yours again.

Both things can be true:

• It’s unfair that you have to do this work.

• And your healing is worth it anyway.

You are allowed to take up space with your pain. You are allowed to admit that it’s not fair. And you are allowed to reach for healing, not because it’s fair, but because you are worthy of the peace it can bring.

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