Grieving the Childhood You Didn’t Get (and the Person You Might’ve Been)

There’s a kind of grief that doesn’t get talked about much. This is largely because it doesn’t come with flowers, funerals, or the comforting words people offer when something “tangible” is lost. Something you can see like the death of a person, pet or even something like the loss of a marriage or job. It's often quieter than that.

It’s the grief of the childhood you should have had. The one that you deserved.

The safe one. The soft one. The one where you were allowed to just be a child who was loud and curious and scared and messy and whole. The one where you were allowed to mess up without fear of what might be done to you for punishment. The one where you got to feel safe going to someone with your pain, struggles and just when you needed an ear.

When you grow up in survival mode, whether that's from abuse, neglect, emotional invalidation, or just never being fully seen, you don’t just miss out on safety. You miss out on becoming. You may feel you miss out on who you could have been.

You adapt, you shrink, you armor up. You become hyper-aware. You grow up too fast. You learn how to walk on eggshells, how to hide your needs, how to be “easy” or “useful” or invisible. And in that process, a version of you gets buried. A version of you can get lost. And that's okay to grieve.

That version of you is worth grieving, and you are allowed to grieve them.

This grief can sneak up on you during healing. When you’re parenting your inner child. When you’re around kids and realize what you didn’t get. Maybe it's when you see a child laughing as their parent tickles them or lifts them up. Maybe it's when you hear stories from people who had good childhoods.

You might feel silly for mourning things that “never happened.” You’re not silly. You’re human. And that grief is real.

Grieving your childhood doesn’t have to mean that you’re stuck in the past. It can mean you’re acknowledging the truth of what you lived through. It means that you're admitting that what you missed out on, and what you went through was wrong and you deserved better. Maybe it even means you're finally giving your inner child what they need. Compassion, a feeling of being heard and cherished.

You’re allowed to grieve what you needed but didn’t have. You’re allowed to grieve the stability you were never given. You’re allowed to grieve the version of yourself that might’ve existed in a different world.

But it is important to remember that you're allowed to build a new version of you, and while that version may not be what you could have been without the trauma, that version of you is still valuable. That version of you is still worthy. And there can still be good things for you.

It's okay to give your inner child the things they missed out one. I talked briefly about the emotional aspects of this, but even the fun aspects! There is nothing wrong with giving yourself the experiences that you missed out on. Swinging on the swings, blowing bubbles, listening to certain music, watching certain movies. Going to amusement parks, or whatever else. While you might feel these things are 'meant' for children, they're for everyone to enjoy. And you deserve to enjoy that.

You're still you. And I really hope that you are able to make yourself a safe space now. With people you find safe. And I hope you can find happiness, because even though it may be hard to believe, there can still be good things in your life. And while grieving is valid, it's important to not get stuck in it. It's important to not think it means that your life is ruined, because there can still be people you love, things that make you life, things you do that make you feel joy. There is still much for you to get from life, and while I truly do think that grieving is important and valid, I just hope you don't forget the rest of that.