Splitting
Splitting is a common BPD experience where our brains see things in extremes like black or white, all good or all bad.
For example:
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Someone might feel like your favourite person in the world. Perfect, safe, everything you need.
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Then they do something small (or even nothing at all) and suddenly you feel the complete opposite, like they’re terrible or unsafe.
This can happen with people, situations, or even with yourself. (Yes, self-splitting is real. Suddenly feeling like you’re awful, unworthy, or incapable, even if nothing has changed.)
Splitting isn’t always triggered by something specific. It can happen randomly because our emotional brain is hyper-alert to potential danger or abandonment.
How to Cope with Splitting
You can’t always stop a split from happening, but you can manage how you respond so you don’t do things you regret later.
1. Ground & Pause
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Use mindfulness or grounding techniques to calm your nervous system.
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TIPP, RESISTT, ACCEPTS, and urge surfing (DBT distress tolerance skills) are really helpful for riding the emotional wave.
2. Keep Reminders Handy
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Make a list of reasons you value your loved ones and your relationships. Maybe screenshots of them saying they love you, or letters.
Make a second list for yourself: your accomplishments, strengths, and things you like about yourself.
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Even if it doesn’t stop the split, it can keep you from acting on the extremes.
3. Step Back if Needed
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Take a break or create some space.
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Let the person know you might be less responsive for a while (you don’t have to give details).
4. Reflect
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After the emotional wave passes, look at why you split.
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Did the person actually do something hurtful (like lying again)? That might signal a bigger relationship issue.
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Or was it a need for reassurance? In that case, the feeling is valid but not necessarily about the other person’s actions. (See this page about seeking reassurance!)
5. Communicate (If You Can)
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You can say something like: “I know this isn’t fully rational, but I feel hurt/upset about ___.”
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Sharing your feelings calmly can release the pressure and help your loved ones understand what you need.
Remember that splitting doesn’t make you bad or broken. It’s a survival response. With skills and self-awareness, you can ride the wave and protect yourself and your relationships.