If you’re someone who needs reassurance from your loved ones that they care about you, that’s completely valid. Needing reassurance doesn’t make you bad or broken. But how you ask for it matters.

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Hinting at it through guilt or passive comments like “Nobody loves me” or “I’m such a burden” can unintentionally hurt your loved ones and even push them away. Over time, constantly providing reassurance can be exhausting for the other person especially if it feels like nothing they say is enough.

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Here are some tips to cope with that need for reassurance in a way that’s healthy for you and your relationships:

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1. Try self-soothing first

Before reaching out, see if you can reassure yourself. This doesn’t always work, and that’s okay but it’s worth trying.

• Save reassurance for later: Keep screenshots, letters, or cards from loved ones. You can even ask them to record a short message for you to listen to when you’re struggling.

• Make a self-care box: Include affirmations, notes from loved ones, favorite snacks, or small comfort items you can reach for in times of crisis.

• Examine the evidence: Keep a list of things they’ve done that show they care. Both big and small. For example, my list for my partner includes moments like making me tea or checking in after a hard day.

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2. Check the facts

If something triggers your fear that they don’t care, pause and examine the situation.

• Did they actually do something harmful, like lie or intentionally hurt you?

• Or did they just get busy and can’t reply right away?

This step helps your brain separate emotional reaction from reality.

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3. Use coping skills if emotions spike

When the urge to spiral or lash out hits:

• TIPP can help calm you if you’re in immediate crisis.

• ACCEPTS can distract you with positive activities.

• Urge Surfing helps if you feel like sending an accusatory text.

• Radical Acceptance and Challenging Irrational Thoughts can help your brain reframe the situation. 

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4. Ask directly if you still need reassurance

If self-soothing isn’t enough, it’s okay to ask but do it directly and kindly.

Instead of:
“Sorry I’m such a burden, you probably don’t even care about me.”

Try:
“Hey, I know you care about me, but my brain is being mean right now. Could you give me a little reassurance?”

This approach respects your feelings and theirs.

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5. Have a boundary and communication plan

When things are calm, talk with your loved one about what works for both of you:

• They can set boundaries if constant reassurance is draining for them.

• You can agree on signals, like an emoji for when they’re low-energy and unable to reply but not upset with you.

• They can also provide messages or recordings you can revisit when they’re unavailable.

And if they’re doing something (even unintentionally) that triggers your fear, like disappearing for a few days, it’s valid to talk about it using I-statements. Together, you can create solutions that work for both sides. (This might be where the emoji solution comes in.)

Needing reassurance is human. Learning how to ask for it in a healthy way keeps your relationships strong while still honoring your emotional needs.

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