Creating and Enforcing Boundaries
- April Goff
- Sep 22, 2021
- 2 min read
Updated: Aug 2
Setting Boundaries After Trauma
You are valid for having boundaries. Whether these are physical, emotional, sexual, financial, or otherwise. Boundaries aren't selfish, unloving, or mean. They're the foundation of healthy relationships. People may guilt you by saying “If you loved me, you'd do anything,” but love does not require self-abandonment.
Sometimes this pressure comes from people who struggle with boundaries themselves, not necessarily manipulators. Still, your limits are worth respecting.
If you’ve survived trauma or had your boundaries ignored before, setting them can feel scary. You might not even notice when a line is crossed but feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or drained can be a sign that a boundary needs to be set or reinforced.
And yes, we can cross our own boundaries too. If you’re constantly giving and end up feeling burned out, resentful, or overwhelmed, it might be time to reassess what you’re saying yes to.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
Reflect on what you’re okay with right now. Boundaries can change based on your situation, mood, or who you’re with.
Practice clear communication. Example:“I care about you, but I’m overwhelmed right now. Could you check in before venting to me?”
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. “No” is a full sentence.
Use assertive language if you need to:“I feel ___ when ___. I need ___.”
Enforcing Boundaries
It’s normal to fear that someone might take your boundary personally or react badly. But anyone who truly values you will work to understand. If they need time to process, that’s okay but they should eventually come to a place of respect.
If someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries:
Be more direct
Clarify what you need
Try collaborative problem-solving
Consider limiting or ending contact if they continue to overstep
You are never obligated to keep someone in your life if they consistently cross your boundaries.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls They’re Bridges
They protect your energy and help prevent resentment. If you say yes just to avoid guilt, you may end up feeling used even when the other person didn’t mean harm. Boundaries make your “yes” more genuine and your relationships more sustainable.
They also give others permission to set their own limits safely which builds trust and mutual respect.
Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
Yes, you can (and should) have boundaries in romantic relationships. You’re allowed to need alone time, privacy, or to say no to sharing passwords, intimacy, or constant contact. If those boundaries aren’t compatible with your partner’s needs, it may just mean you’re not a good match and that’s okay.
If You’re New to Boundaries...
Start small. Try:“Can we meet Wednesday instead of Tuesday?”and work your way up to:“I’m not comfortable lending money.”
Support from others can help. Practice, validate yourself, and remember: setting boundaries is a learned skill, not a flaw.