​I want to talk about having a Favourite Person, and how to try and change that into something healthier because while it's not automatically unhealthy, it often can be.

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Having a Favorite Person (FP) when you live with BPD can feel intoxicating. They're the sun. Their attention makes everything okay. Their distance feels like the worst thing ever. Not hearing from them can ruin your entire day.

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It’s not just “having a bestie” or a crush it’s often deeper, messier, louder. It can often lead to emotional dependency in disguise and that can feel amazing, until it doesn't anymore.

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Here’s what a FP dynamic can look like (I'm not saying this is always the case):

• Feeling euphoric when they text back, and worthless when they don’t.

• Needing constant reassurance or fearing they’ll leave if you mess up.

• Basing your mood, worth, and stability entirely on how they’re acting that day.

• Panic when they bond with someone else, even just a little.

• Obsessive checking, over-texting, testing them, or pulling away first out of fear.

• Changing yourself to fit what you think they want

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So how do you shift it into something healthier?

• Call it what it is
  You don’t need to shame yourself for having an FP. Just call it what it is. Sometimes this means admitting that “I’ve built too much of my emotional world around this person, and that’s scary for both of us.”

• Branch out to have a bigger support system
  One person can’t hold all your pain, joy, panic, and need. Start slowly expanding: journaling, talking to multiple friends, engaging in hobbies that don’t center around them.

• Ask yourself:
  Is this about closeness or control? Is the constant contact about love, or about managing anxiety? Be honest. This isn't meant to shame you, just bring some awareness.

• Practice self-soothing and asking for reassurance in healthy ways before lashing out
  Before you text “Are you mad at me?”, pause. Breathe. Regulate. Then decide if you still want to reach out just not from a place of panic.

• Have boundaries, and this means both of you having them, not just them
  You deserve safety and so do they. [Click here for my blog post on boundaries] Boundaries don't mean that people don't love you, though I understand the kneejerk feeling to that. Boundaries are a way to cultivate healthy relationships and when I set boundaries with people in my life, it's because I still want them in my life.

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It’s okay to want deep connection. It doesn't mean you're bad or undeserving of love. You’re just someone learning how to love without losing yourself in the process, because often that is what can happen with a FP.

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Having a FP itself isn't inherently bad, it's just important to be mindful and aware of how having a FP is affecting us and them.

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