How to Handle Conflict
Conflict happens in every relationship, but what defines a healthy relationship isn’t whether you fight, it’s how you handle those fights. “Fighting fair” means approaching disagreements with the goal of solving the problem, not “winning” the argument. Here’s how to do it:
1. Understand Why You’re Upset
Before starting the conversation, take a moment to reflect.
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Are you upset for the reason you think you are?
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Do you need a moment to calm down or collect your thoughts first?
Sometimes, stepping back helps you figure out the real issue, which leads to a better discussion.
2. Avoid Personal Attacks
Stick to the issue instead of attacking the person.
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Don’t yell or use degrading language.
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Focus on resolving the conflict instead of blaming.
If this is a relationship you value, approaching it with openness and respect will make it more likely that the other person can engage without feeling defensive.
3. Take Turns and Listen
Healthy conflict means both people get space to speak and feel heard.
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Let each person fully share their perspective.
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Avoid interrupting or shutting the other person down.
4. Look for Compromise
Not every problem has a perfect solution, and that’s okay.
Example: Maybe your partner keeps avoiding one chore that overwhelms them. A fair compromise could be switching responsibilities so that chore is handled while your partner contributes in another way.
5. Communicate with I-Statements
Be clear about how you feel without accusing or shaming.
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Try saying: “When you don’t text me when you said you would, I feel worried.”
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Instead of: “You never text me when you’re supposed to!”
I-statements invite conversation instead of defensiveness.
6. Use DBT Skills
If you’re familiar with DBT, these skills are incredibly helpful during conflict:
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DEAR MAN – Expresses your needs respectfully and increases the chance of a positive outcome.
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GIVE – Guides how you approach and behave during the conversation, especially when emotions run high.
7. Know When to Pick Your Battles
How you handle conflict can depend on the relationship.
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With someone you deeply value (like a partner or best friend), it makes sense to invest in problem-solving and preserving the bond.
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With someone who isn’t emotionally safe for you, it’s valid to prioritize your own well-being over confrontation.
Bottom line: Conflict is normal, but how you handle it defines the health of your relationships. Fighting fair means working together toward a solution while protecting the relationship and yourself.