Victim Blaming

Victim blaming often comes from a place of fear. It is easier for people to believe that sexual assault only happens to those who did something “wrong.” Believing this gives them a false sense of control. They tell themselves that as long as they stay sober, avoid short skirts, and never walk alone at night, they are safe. This comforting illusion lets them believe that bad things only happen to people who “deserve” it.

But the truth is that sexual assault can happen to anyone. People are assaulted while sober, fully covered, and even in the company of others.

Harmful Statements and Myths

We’ve all heard things like:

• “She was flirting with him!”

• “Men can’t be assaulted!”

• “If she didn’t want to be assaulted, she shouldn’t have drank so much!”

• “He’s so lucky he got to sleep with his teacher!”

These statements are not just wrong, they actively harm survivors. They make it harder for victims to come forward, harder to feel safe, and harder to heal. They also give attackers cover, sending the message that as long as they choose victims who are drinking, flirting, or otherwise “imperfect,” society will excuse their behaviour.

My Experience

I was 23 when I was sexually assaulted for the third time. The shame and guilt I carried sent me into a spiral of emotional breakdowns.

When I finally shared my story with friends, I was met with a flood of questions:

• “Were you drinking?”

• “What were you wearing?”

• “Did you lead him on?”

• “Why were you alone with him?”

The answers were:

• No, I wasn’t drinking.

• Sweatpants and a T-shirt.

• I told him I wasn’t interested before hanging out.

• Yes, I was alone with him, but I thought he was a friend.

One person seemed genuinely shocked. It was as if they were hoping I had done something “wrong,” so they could believe they were safe from ever being in my position.

Here is the truth I hold onto: Even if I had been drinking, even if I had flirted, even if I had been naked, the assault would still have been his fault.

The Core of Victim Blaming

When someone told me, “Well, you shouldn’t have been alone with him,” my response was simple:

“Well, he shouldn’t have assaulted me.”

That’s the point. Victims do not cause assaults. Perpetrators do.

Victim blaming only deepens a survivor’s pain and reinforces the false idea that they could have stopped it. Most attackers are fully aware when they are crossing boundaries, and they are responsible for their choices.

And to anyone who thinks being a “tease” excuses assault, let’s put it this way: my dogs have more self-control. I can leave food in front of them with a firm “no,” and they will not touch it. Adults are capable of self-control. Choosing not to respect someone’s consent is a choice.

Beyond Sexual Assault

Victim blaming doesn’t only happen with sexual violence. It happens to survivors of domestic abuse, victims of fraud, and people targeted in robberies or other crimes. It is especially cruel toward those who stay in abusive relationships, where outsiders say, “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” without understanding the complexity and danger of those situations.

Stop Blaming Victims

Victim blaming protects perpetrators and isolates survivors. We need to put the responsibility back where it belongs: on the people who choose to harm others.

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