“You may have been a bad chapter in my story, but you do not get to write my ending. You don’t get to decide how my story ends. I get to do that, despite everything you did to try and break me. I will write my own ending.”
I was feeling inspired to write these words earlier, and they got me thinking about things. They got me thinking about a lot of things. Because they’re true.
Things may feel helpless. They may feel like they will never be okay. They may feel out of control. And those are all valid ways to feel. And I’m not out to push any forced positivity on anyone who doesn’t want to hear it, but for me, it’s important to try and take back my control. It doesn’t mean the trauma goes away. It doesn’t even mean any of my symptoms magically disappear. It just means that I am making a choice to try and move on, despite everything, and write my own story and not let others dictate what that means for me.
For me, this can mean reclaiming parts of my childhood that I missed out on. I have often mourned the loss of experiences whether it was from not actually experiencing things or my memory being so clouded by trauma that I can’t remember them. And while I can’t go back and relive them, I can experience some of the things I feel I missed out on. It doesn’t matter if they seem “childish”. What matters is what it means to me, and to me, it means a lot.
So often after trauma we forget who we were before, or in cases of childhood trauma, we might not know who we were before. And maybe the truth is that even if you can remember who you were before trauma, you don’t need to be the same person. In all likeness, it may exhaust you to keep trying. While you may not be able to go back, you can stop now and decide who you want to be now. It’s okay if you’re different. It’s okay that your trauma has changed you. You have no less value because of your trauma. You are just as worthy as you were before your trauma. I promise.
Since I've been on my healing journey, I've overcome a lot of obstacles and grown in so many ways. Those were things that I did. I made a decision to work on my healing. And every bit of progress I make in my healing journey changes my story.
If you can, try and remember that those who hurt you may have played a part in your story, maybe even a big part, but it is your story. This isn’t to invalidate you or say that “positive thinking will make your trauma/depression/whatever else” go away.” Because it won’t. But it can help to remember that you can do something today, this week, this month, even this year, that changes your ending. Whatever that means for you.